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What The 12 Apostles Can Teach Us About The First Two Weeks of CFB



With College Football's week 2 betting slate feeling like an Old Testament Egyptian plague, I decided to go to Church to reconnect with my maker. During the service, there was a moment where the audience was encouraged to bow their heads, close their eyes and say a Hail Mary. Given the only Hail Mary that I know involves Doug Flutie, I decided to do a bit of improvising. I told the big kahuna that daddy was down but not out, and with a bit of foresight and extra capital, I could pay off my debts and donate the extra shekels to the Sea Org. I also promised that I would give up Land O Lakes Butter when I golf in exchange for a Dog of The Week that actually hits.


I now type these words Wednesday night with no additional foresight or extra capital coming into Week 3. However, it dawned upon me that better understanding who the 12 Apostles were can help me better understand the past 2 weeks of CFB and predict the future.


What I will be doing the rest of the blog is providing a team that best exhibits the characteristics of an Apostle after 2 weeks of football. I expect my week 3 picks to be out tomorrow since I'm currently levered to the tits and need God to send me some locks in my sleep.


1.) Peter: The Ohio State University


As Peter was The Rock to Jesus and the Church, The Ohio State University is The Rock to Fat Curry. A lot of haters there were bashing OSU after their performance against ND, but what I saw was a much improved defense and offensive line which were last year's Achilles heel. Wait for my #1 pick and Heisman Jaxon Smith-Njigba to get healthy and all will be right in the world as they beat out Bama for the National Championship.


2.) Andrew: Clemson


Just like Andrew, Clemson is a bedrock of college football but often overlooked by the sexier OSU, Bama and Georgia. See, Andrew was Peter’s brother. Andrew was the first disciple Jesus called, and Andrew not only brought Peter to Jesus, but he told him Jesus was the Messiah. However, 9/10 Notre Dame Catholics will know Peter's name before they know Andrew's name. I picked Clemson to go to the playoffs and stand by this, although I likely won't get any credit for the pick if they do make it that far.


3.) Philip: Mississippi State


I frankly had no clue who Philip was until I wrote this blog, and I am sure the 10 other readers that make it this far won't have a clue about Philip either. To be frank, neither does the bible. It sounds like he isn't referenced a whole lot and is sometimes mistaken for another Philip. This is why Mississippi State is my pick here. I chose Mississippi State to finish 2nd in the SEC West, and I stick to this. Mike Leach has built a squad down south and no one is talking about them. Instead, any attention goes to a mediocre Ole Miss team. Watch out for Miss State to beat LSU this weekend by 10 and start to get some attention.


4.) Bartholomew: Tennessee

So Bartholomew is another Apostle that is rarely mentioned, and when he is, he is mentioned next to Philip. So how about Tennessee as my choice here. This is another pre-season Cinderella team that I had to win the SEC East. They're now top #15 but the media has given more attention to other SEC East teams including Georgia, Kentucky and Florida. Expect Tennessee to slowly rise up the ranks and make Stetson Bennett wish he had taken his KPMG offer last summer. P.S. Cam Ward is the Bartholomew of CFB. Called this in the pre-season, and he just beat Wisco at Camp Randall.


5.) Matthew: USC

Matthew was a tax collector before Jesus called upon him, and this meant that people reviled him. This is none other than USC. The animosity against USC is only going to build up like a volcano as they continue to win. Is Lincoln Riley a coward? Absolutely. But is he a good coach that has already turned around a once blue-chip program? Probably. I didn't select USC to win the PAC-12, but Utah, Oregon and Notre Dame's early bruises paint a path where this hated program could sneak its way into the playoffs.


6.) "Doubting" Thomas: BYU

"Doubting" Thomas gets his nickname because he doubted Jesus' identity until he saw clear-cut proof. To me, this is none other than BYU. I did not consider BYU coming into this season and chose not to do any research into their organization. Forgetting they're a bunch of seasoned 26-year olds with God on their side, this was a poor mistake by Fat Curry. BYU has proven to us in just two weeks that they are contenders and not pretenders. For now on, call me "Doubting" Fat Curry


7.) James son of Alphaeus: Wake Forest

Another Apostle who is often left out, I want to highlight Wake Forest now that Sam Hartman is back in the saddle. Wake Forest was a team getting some love pre-season until Sam Hartman was ruled out after an injury for a non-football related medical condition. God must have been busy answering Sam's prayers rather than my own because Sam miraculously came back in Week 2 against Vandy and threw for a meager 300 yards and 4 touchdowns. With Sam back, this is a team that can low key compete for the ACC.


8.) Jude: Michigan State

You guessed it. Another Apostle that you've never heard of. The reason I put Michigan State here is because they're ranked #11 in the nation but it doesn't feel like it where I am sitting. Whether it's social media, podcasts or Stanford Steve, no one gives Michigan State any love. This was a team that people spoke highly about coming into the year but have since left the bandwagon for other early season darlings such as BYU. For example, Michigan State is a 3 point underdog at Washington this weekend. Hopefully, MSU can remind America on Saturday that it is a top 12 Apostle, and CFB team, for a reason.


9.) Simon the Zealot: Texas

There is a lot of historical debate as to why Simon is the "Zealot". One of these reasons is because he may have belonged to a Jewish sect known as the Zealots, who were bent on revolution and looking for a Messiah to violently overthrow Rome. While Simon was wrong about a physical revolution, he was correct that a spiritual revolution was upon them that cause a big stur in Rome. To me, this is Texas after two weeks. I mean to barely lose to the undisputed #1 team in America with a backup quarterback and as a 20-point underdog is as close to a revolution as we may see all year. Texas seems like they'll compete at the top of the BIG-12 this year and cause a more local revolution within the conference.


10.) Judas Iscariot: Notre Dame

Let me say this first. If this was a person, it would be Lincoln Riley no doubt. But when it comes to naming a team who exemplifies the characteristics of the man who gave up Jesus for a few silver coins, who better demonstrates this than America's own Catholic Institution. Like Jesus knew Judas would betray him, all of us true CFB fans knew Notre Dame would betray CFB when the pollsters put them at #5 to begin the season. We didn't know how or when per say, but we knew the time would ultimately come when Notre Dame lets us down, but ultimately proves us right. See Judas had to let Jesus down to ultimately save humanity and prove God and the prophecies correct. We, as true cfb fans, had to witness Notre Dame's demise after just two weeks so that we can turn around to the soy boys who create the pre-season polls and say "I told you so".


11.) James: Minnesota

When I told people in August that I had Minnesota winning the BIG-10 West, I was frankly told that I was an idiot. I like to think that Jesus felt the way that I did when he picked James, a simple fisherman, to be one of his three main disciples. Now after two weeks of football, it seems that Iowa only plays defense, Wisconsin loves choking and Nebraska already fired its coach.


12.) John: Penn State

Hear me out. You're all probably wondering why I would put Penn State's current performance as equivalent to a top-3 Apostle. Well it's because Jesus knew what he was getting with John just as I know what I am getting with PSU and James Franklin. Don't let their last-minute comeback vs. Purdue (who is now a 1-point dog at Syracuse Week 3) fool you. The James Franklin we all know and love is going to reveal himself at some point, and they will find their way back to another Outback Bowl Loss. To me, Penn State's constant mediocrity that I can bank on with Franklin as their coach warrants the designation of John, an Apostle who Jesus could always count on.

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