From the Hot Seat to the Hot Plate: College Football's Annual Game of Coaching Roulette Has Begun

A little over a month ago, I was notified that I would be laid off from my big boy job. While they assured me that it was purely market-related, you can call me incredulous for thinking that me taking bulking season seriously and working my way up to the mass of Sam Pittman after visiting the Fayetteville Golden Corral had partial responsibility for the outcome.

So what have I been doing for the past month? Well I've been been praying to the patron saint of college football, Mike Leach, to reveal Fat Curry's future through a vision. Just as the Angel Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith, Mike appeared on The Black Pearl with a fistful of Haribo Gummy Bears during my Oreo Red Creme induced coma. Mike told me to fire up the "X", unmute the two most nauseating CFB accounts I could think of - Stewart Mandel and Ari Wasserman - and wait for what would be the start to this year's coaching roulette. It was then communicated that once I saw The Athletic's finest tweet the first coaching dominoes to fall, I was to take their abstruse text and transcribe it for my fellow CFB sickos with the medium being Fat Curry Bets. Lastly, Mike politely reminded me that he didn't die for Zach Arnett to abandon the Air Raid Offense before proceeding to gape his mouth like a reticulated python who sees a woman in Indonesia and inhale an entire pack of Nerd's Clusters.

This brings me to today, November 13th, a day where we have seen 1) three head coaches be fired in the past 24-hours, 2) one head coach be suspended from on-field coaching in the past 72-hours, 3) one interim head coach fake cringe cry on t.v. about the aforementioned suspended coach and 4) two head coaches fire their offensive coordinators in hope that their fan bases forget their ineptitude as head coaches and ultimately have the IQ of Antonio Brown post meeting Vontaze Burfict.

Below is Big Daddy's transcript of the recent coaching changes as well as a few predictions over the coming weeks. If you're a college football coach reading this, may the odds be ever in your favor as you step into Fat Curry Bets Casino and see if I spin your number at the roulette table.

First up......JIMBO FISHER

Jimbo Fisher (Texas A&M):

The one predictable trait about a cult is their unpredictability, and that is what we have with Texas A&M. I frankly was as bullish as all the other cuckoos at the beginning of the season and thought this would be the year Jimbo puts it all together and ekes out an SEC West title. Fast-forward 72-days from their tea-bagging on the mighty New Mexico Lobos, and Jimbo is officially $75 million dollars richer and likely calling his real estate agent to place a bid on Little Saint James island.

The irony that I find behind all of this is that Jimbo was consistent with his previous track-record. More often than not, Jimbo underperformed pre-season AP expectations at Florida State University and did the exact same thing at Texas A&M. In his 8-years at FSU, Jimbo's teams ended up worse in 6-seasons when compared to their pre-season AP rankings, equating to a 75% chance of fan disappointment. In Jimbo's 6-years at Texas A&M, his teams ended up ranked worse in 4-seasons when compared to their pre-season AP rankings, equating to a ~67% chance of fan disappointment.

While I may argue that TAMU fans actually fared better than the FSU congregation, the reality is that TAMU fans will always be 100% disappointed unless they win a National Championship. I will never truly understand why their expectations are this high considering the fact that they've won only one national title, and it was back in 1939 when FDR could still walk.

If someone put a nerf gun to my head and said they'll bruise my temple unless I write down a short-list of coaches who'd jump at a job where you get to deal with a fan base as guileless, yet unself-conscious, as Mac McMurphy and are incentivized to fail, then I'd have to write down all 133 FBS coaches. However, if the question is who do I think the TAMU fan base will initially love and slowly grow to despise (other than their wives), I'm going Leeroy Jenkins full-send and saying: Urban "Barstool" Meyer, Jamey Chadwell and Jim Harbaugh (hear me out).

I think Urban doesn't need any explanation. My only concern is his physical health when he starts losing. Similar to Coach K getting paralyzing back spasms when his 18-year old one-and-dones would lose to Virginia Tech on a Monday night, Urban Meyer's body seems to trigger temporary brain aneurysms whenever he'd travel to West Lafayette and see Tyler Trent wheel out of the suite and onto the field. Jamey Chadwell is my high-ceiling, high-bust candidate. He's already outperforming expectations in year 1 at Liberty. "Only" making $4mm a year, TAMU could easily entice Jamey to sell his soul to the Board of Regents.

Lastly, if you thought Jimbo Fisher was a sleazeball, I'll one up you with Jim Harbaugh. Removing the fact that future NCAA penalties that are coming Michigan's way thanks to Jim's law-abiding leadership, Jim's teams have constantly proven they are not as athletic as the SEC goliaths. His recruiting efforts make me believe this will continue to remain the case too. If you cannot join Georgia, what better way to beat Georgia than to leave for the SEC where it just means more and go to a school whose fan base has proven they'll literally buy the greatest recruiting class in history.

Sam Pittman (Arkansas):

If there's one coach whose heart is already working overtime and the last thing it needs is the stress of a state clamoring for their resignation, it's Sam Pittman. From one fat boy to another, let me start with saying that Sam seems like an honest and sincere individual who truly does love the Hogs. Unfortunately, the Hogs don't love him anymore and are calling for a new future (especially with Texas and Oklahoma joining next year). My two personal candidates that I'd like to see take over this program are either Dan Mullen or Tom Herman.

Lastly, I started thinking of what Sam Pittman's Tik Tok channel could look like if he gets chopped, and below is a screenshot of my best guess:

Andy Avalos (Boise State):

This is a name that starts separating the men from the boys. Luckily, my fan base of five are sickos just like Daddy and are all too familiar with Andy. Maybe you expected Andy to get the chop suey in year 3, but I really didn't. It makes me think they got line of sight on another Group of 5 coach that is west of the Mississippi. I started making a short-list and below is my prediction of their next coach and who else will be considered but will fall short:

• Prediction: Brent Vigen (Montana State): Multi-year track-record. Previous stint at Wyoming and groomed Josh Allen

• G.J. Kinne (Texas State): Not enough of a track-record. Heavy Texas roots

• Jerry Kill (New Mexico State): Too old club

• Troy Calhoun (Air Force): If you cut him, I really think he'll bleed Air Force blue

• Jeff Traylor (UTSA): Wants a Power 5 job

• Bryan Harsin (Unemployment): Has already shown his true colors and that he'd leave Boise State in a heartbeat

• Craig Bohl (Wyoming): Too old club

Zach Arnett (Mississippi State):

Rumor has it when Mike Leach was on his death bed, he actually did not wish for the next coach of Mississippi State to keep the Air Raid Offense because it would have been a waste of a wish, and what idiot would remove that system. Well we found our answer in less than a year, and it happens to be Zach Arnett. Some coordinators are best as coordinators while some coaches are best as coaches. Zach is still young, but he's clearly a much better defensive coordinator than he is a head coach of an SEC program. Reminds me a bit of Dan Quinn (and a reason why I do not think Dan Quinn will be offered the TAMU job).

James Franklin / Mike Yurcich (Penn State):

"Don't Cry Because It's Over. Smile Because It Happened".... Is there a better quote to define how PSU fans should be feeling this year? Earlier in the year, I watched PSU play each WVU and Iowa, and I was convinced this was their best shot of winning it all given this year's parity across conferences and PSU having their best roster in years. Shame on me because I ignored my own warnings (https://www.fatcurrybets.com/post/why-cook-meth-when-you-can-coach-penn-state-football) and forgot about the one constant at PSU that has held them back for years, and that is four-eyed James Franklin. Now being 3-17 against top 10 teams, James' reputation precedes himself, and I think fans are finally happy to come to terms with reality and can now move on.

While I do believe the majority of fans are coming around to what I have been flagging for years in that Franklin saying he'll beat the goliaths of the B10 is as trustworthy as an unqualified opinion from Arthur Anderson. However, my fear is that Franklin is moving just as fast after that Michigan loss to find a scapegoat rather than to look at the man in the mirror.

This year's scapegoat winner was just announced and happens to be the offensive coordinator, Mike Yurcich. I personally enjoy Mike and think he should be the next coach at Indiana University given his former G.A. ties. Mike is also a heck of a recruiter and is the sole reason Drew Allar is at PSU. Now Drew hasn't looked any better than a 3-star QB that Brian Ferentz would salivate over and proceed to ruin, but I think Drew will eventually put it all together. Long-story short, the PSU train is moving. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but I cannot tell if the light at the other end of that tunnel is the sun or another train. I think it all depends on who the fans want conducting next year's train.

Michigan:

Back in high school, my Mom and I drove up to Ann Arbor to see the University of Michigan after I was accepted (nbd). After the typical student-led tour, we drove over to The Big House to see if we could find an unlocked gate and sneak onto the field (and we did). Before we found that gate, we actually walked into Nik Stauskas whose neck was covered in hickeys. The current state of Michigan's football program reminds me of Sophomore year Nik's neck. While it appeared that he was able to experience the fun that comes along with winning, it also seemed to have come at a price.

Michigan's program continues to win, albeit they keep running into allegations of NCAA infractions, most recently the Connor Stalions sign-stealing saga. Michigan can frankly win out for all I care, but their season and the legacy it etches into CFB history will forever be blemished, especially to those that remember the actions of this team's coaching staff.

I'm interested to see how this plays out in the off-season. The one good thing going for Michigan is that Connor Stalions probably makes the five families proud with how dependable he appears. I wouldn't be surprised if Connor has already decided that he is going to be Michigan's sacrificial lamb and tries to soak up as much of the punishment by saying he orchestrated all personal actions without any outside influence or commandment.

Finally, when I thought this program couldn't do anything more to taint its reputation, out comes Sherrone Moore with a post-game presser that I would've expected from Zach Arnett in last year's ReliaQuest Bowl when Miss State beat Illinois after Leach's death. First off, why are you crying? You're acting like Jim Harbaugh was on a Southern Airways flight with the Marshall football team and are refusing to acknowledge that Michigan remained 4.5 point Vegas favorite even AFTER it was announced that Harbaugh was suspended from on-field coaching. Secondly, the reason Harbaugh not being on the field didn't move the point total is likely because Harbaugh doesn't call plays. The penalty came in so late on Friday that Harbaugh was still able to coach all weekly practices and traveled with the team. If Sherrone and Michigan actually wanted to face adversity, then their coordinators who assemble the offensive and defensive scripts shouldn't have been allowed to coach.

This brings me to my last point in that Tony Petitti is softer than my fatty ass liver. He clearly wanted to say he did something, so he gave the most white bread penalty. Tony's actions either show his belief in this not being a big deal or there not being enough evidence to prove that Harbaugh knew about the sign-stealing. Doesn't this beg the question why punish him now and at all then? Not enough people are holding titti boy accountable for his lack of leadership.

Other Thoughts:

• Lincoln Riley won't get fired because there aren't actual football fans in California. Alex Grinch was a good coordinator before arriving in L.A., and he'll be a better coordinator for leaving it.

• I know people want Kirk Ferentz to go alongside his son, but where else will the program go but down? I think the only people in America who have a problem with Iowa's program are those who aren't Iowa fans. Iowa is looking at another B10 West title and get the honor of either Michigan or OSU taking them to Smackdonalds in December. Kirk develops talent while being able to make Iowa football a hotly contested subject, and that's an identity that they should consider keeping.

• Lance Leipold makes a ton of sense for Michigan State, but since everyone is talking about it, I doubt it happens. Assuming Lance doesn't get the job, my second best candidate is Matt Campbell. The darling of CFB ~3-years ago, Matt has since declined in being the subject of Ari Wasserman articles. Ari looks likes he enjoys stuffing his mouth with a lot of things, so I actually think it's a good thing when you can keep your name out of it.

• People are all jacked up on Mike Elko, but I think he needs another year as H.C. to add to his track-record before leaving for a bigger program. See below for my bold prediction on Mike after next year.

• Mack Brown is 72, so UNC has to be thinking of a contingency plan. Dare I say UNC snags Mike Elko after the 2024 season.

• Call me crazy, but I keep waiting for the day that UCLA departs from Chip Kelly. As the prophet Phil Collins would squeal, I think they're going to be in a land of confusion when they go to the B10. Not having any identity is worse than having an inferior identity (e.g. I'd rather be Vanderbilt than Arkansas right now).

• I still think Dabo Swinney retires in the next two years. He clearly doesn't appreciate where the game is going, and I think he'll step away to go be a commentator rather than continue to meddle with the Tylers of the word.

• Everyone's forgotten Mel Tucker except Big Daddy. My guess is that he is likely 1-2 years away from finalizing his court battles, but I think Mel could come back as a Head Coach with a big chip on his shoulder. Give me Mel Tucker to take over for Scott Satterfield at U.C.